Job Interviews: An Awkward 30 Minutes of Babble

I live in D.C. and therefore am looking for a job. Since completing my education, I have come to the conclusion that Finishing School would have been way more helpful than my graduate degree. I find now that my expertise is no longer the area of research that I studied in school but the long strained exercise known as the interview, or more precisely, the art of not getting hired. Here are some simple tips to follow to ensure that the job you want will most definitely not be yours.*

Arrive to the interview sweaty

• During one particularly hot July afternoon, I interviewed with the staff director of a congressional committee. I was running late and forced to run the 4 blocks from the train station, resulting in huffing, puffing, minor nausea, and a case of sudden onset stupidity... They hired the girl who used proper subject verb agreement during conversation.
  

Share with the group that you pee(d) your pants

• To be fair, I only shared that in response to one interviewer asking me about the that last movie I saw. I mentioned the title and said it was so funny I almost peed my pants. Whether or not the"almost" is true or not is neither here nor there, but the point is that I did not believe my comment was out of bounds. However, looking back, I suppose I tend to cross barriers before other's normally feel comfortable to do the same...They hired the girl who did not mention urine in the interview.
  

Be sure to highlight your faults

• During an interview with a older gentleman at the headquarters of one of our national political parties, I mentioned that technology was not my "forte." Now, this does not mean I attempt to start blogs with a typewriter or use my computer as a cat warmer. I mentioned my slight aversion to technology in the interview to make it clear that I do not know C++ or how to write in HTML. However, my comment was obviously taken to mean something much deeper...They hired the girl who could surf the World Wide Web (have you heard of that?? I mean what is this Internet or "Information Super Highway" I hear people talkin' about????).
  

When asked, always lie about your favorite book

• Actually, I have never lied about this, my failures come from telling the truth. No office wants to hire someone whose favorite book is authored by Beverly Cleary. That’s a darn shame because her books have all the workings of any great piece of literature. There is hardship (all Ramona gets for her first day of school is a pink erasure, while the other girls all have shiny new shoes). There are complex relationships, hence the series titles; Ramona and her Mother, Ramona and her Father, Beezus and Ramona, etc. And most importantly, there is a passionate love triangle, between Yard Ape (Ramona’s onetime nemesis) and Howie Kemp, her neighbor. Wow, OK so maybe I know a little too much about Quimby life, but still, that is no reason not to hire someone. Needless to say, they hired the girl who read War and Peace. Twice.
  

*The following advice has been formatted as a formal outline so one may easily refer to it during interviews. It is recommended however that one not waste the anxious minutes of waiting in the reception area, scouring crumpled editions of People, tapping ones foot and making useless small talk with the other chumps waiting for their meetings and instead use that time to peruse this advice before meeting with the potential, future boss.