Panic! at the CostCo

Being the diligent, dutiful daughter that I am, I often head to the suburbs and help my parents out. On this particular Sunday, I took my pa to CostCo. Several things to remember here:

1) NEVER go to CostCo on Sunday. You may suffer a panic attack and find yourself cowering in an empty display Jacuzzi.
2) Old people like to buy in bulk. My ma and pa regularly purchase 8 tubes of toothpaste and 14 loaves of raisin bread at a time.
3) Steer clear of the freezer section. It’s easy to be enveloped by the cheesecake and chicken cutlet selection.

I dropped my dad off and after hunting for parking for 20 minutes (and nearly hitting several pedestrians and carts) I make it to the entrance and managed to blend into the crowd and avoid the ID check at the door. I then find my dad near a tower of computer monitors, sitting in one of those electric carts. Now, my dad can’t get around like he used to, but I was still surprised to see him in the cart. I was even more surprised to see him drive the cart. He flung the cart forward and quickly braked, just as he grazed a woman’s backside. He proceeded to move the cart again, this time barely missing a child. Of course, my pa being the charmer that he is, he got nothing but smiles from everyone as he jerked along the aisle.

After several more close calls, he sailed into a display of Tide. I then begged him to stop using the cart, but he waived me off, telling me not to be so silly. Moments later, I found myself pinned against a giant assembly of Ginsu knives. My dad had lost control of the cart and hit me! Now, had it not been for the combination of substantive girth and exceptional prowess that I possess, the entire display would have tumbled. Instead, my dad clumsily reversed the offensive vehicle and the giant attached basket unclenched its hold on my knees.

I then ran away and found myself in the pet section, where I sprawled out atop a pile of 100lb bags of Purina. I took some deep breaths, went back to find my dad, got the stuff he needed, and got in line.

Four hours later we made it home.