ESOL

I have a…quality. This quality is what attracts the person who smells like pee to sit close to me on the bus. It’s what possesses a stranger in line at a grocery store to inquire if he can tickle me. And it is the reason why, when I am out with friends, they often pretend to not know me till we are safely seated at the table, movie, concert, or wherever we might be so they can avoid the off kilter folks out there who constantly hone in on the beam I seem to uncontrollably emit.

Anyway, I am very friendly with the ladies who run the café in my office lobby. One new person, whom I’ll refer to as “Kim,” simply lights up when she sees me. She asks me details about where I live, about my job, how I get to work. Avoiding her is tough because when I have managed to slip from her sight a few mornings, once she spots me she asks me pointedly where I have been. She also has taken to walking by my glass office door waving emphatically hello. Often.

Today, when I got back from a walk around the block, she spotted me slinking in and asked where I went. “A walk,” I replied. “Why?” she asked. I answered with just a long “uhhhh….” Kim then asked if I “had time.” I told her I did not have a watch but that I thought it was about noon. She laughed and said she meant time to meet. Over the next 5 minutes, I was able to infer that she wants me to help her improve her English. Apparently that’s why she has been so interested in having these inane, nosy, and oddly off putting conversations with me. She is not trying to stalk me and murder my family. She simply wants to be fluent.

The Greener Grass Next Door

Sollie watched from across the street as the new family moved into the old Burchess house. The home had been empty for many months and Sollie was feeling lonely without a playmate. He saw a little girl about his age, her bright yellow dress twirling as she spun in the driveway while moving men heaved furniture into the house. “Careful Brigit!” a voice shrilled from inside. The girl continued to spin before coming to rest on the curb. She examined the mailbox and reached inside, pulling out an old magazine. She plopped down and leafed through the colorful pages, pausing on each photo before moving on. She picked at tufts of grass surrounding her. She scooped piles of ground pebbles and watched as the dust slipped between her fingers. Brigit was sad. She missed her old house, her old driveway, her old mailbox. She missed Deano and Max and Carol. Brigit stood and kicked the mailbox. She moaned dramatically and rubbed her foot.

Sollie thought this seemed like a good time to introduce himself. He scurried across the road and sat beside her. “Aren’t you cute!,” she screeched. Sollie blushed. “When did you get into town?” Sollie asked, even though he knew she just arrived. It seemed like a good icebreaker. “Today,” sighed Brigit, “but it feels like forever.” Sollie understood. His family moved often. Sollie told Brigit that she was lucky to be living in the Burchess House. “Best backyard in town,” he confided. Brigit forced a smile for her new friend, but Sollie could see the unhappiness. There was no solace in having a great yard to play in without any friends. Sollie decided to do something special. “Would you like to hold me?” he asked Brigit. She lit up and smoothed her skirt, gleefully replying “oh yes!” Sollie climbed on her lap and she squeezed him tight. “This feels nice,” Sollie thought, as Brigit’s soft small hands ran along his backside and over his ears. A quiet moment passed between them. Brigit recalled the reward her parents promised if she behaved today. She scooped up Sollie and asked if he would like to come over and help her family pick out their new dog. Sollie squirmed. Brigit was concerned. “What’s the matter Sollie? Tell me, we’re friends.” “Well,” Sollie stammered, “I’m terribly afraid of dogs you see.” Brigit nodded sympathetically. “I understand,” she replied. “Would you like to come over anyway? You can see my room!” Sollie smiled, relieved. He was happy that Brigit finally seemed content. The two walked side by side into the house, dodging the oblivious moving men hoisting three enormous bathroom mirrors.

The two entered the kitchen and were greeted with a curdling cry. “Brigit, what are you doing with that nasty thing?!” Brigit was appalled and glanced embarrassingly at Sollie. “Mom, this is-----“ but Brigit could not finish. “Ned!” Brigit’s mother screamed. She grabbed a broom and swept Sollie out of the house, just as Brigit’s father arrived. Brigit erupted in tears, chasing after her friend. “And don’t bring home anymore marmots, Brigit! New house, same rules, you hear!?” Brigit was already across the street with Sollie, who was on his way home. She told him over and over how sorry she was. Sollie was sad. He knew this meant his family would have to leave. They could not risk living next door to marmot haters. Sollie hugged his friend and said goodbye. Brigit cried so hard his fur became soaked. Sollie looked back at her once more before entering his den, knowing that tonight, his family will be digging away.

Magical!

I awoke with a zit springing forth from between my eyebrows. Does that make me a unicorn?

I'm going with yes.

Forget it Sticky Buns, it's Chinatown

Upon exiting to Canal Street from the Downtown Local 1 train, I was greeted by a man with a big fat albino rat on his head, which nested comfortably atop his curly mane. The tail trailed down the back of the gentleman's head, pink and proud, while the rodents two tiny front paws gently patted its hosts forehead.


I could not help but stare, at which point the man tipped his head toward me in a stately bow, while his rat friend clawed to remain appropriately balanced.

What a perfect New York moment.

Tickle Me Stranger

I've come to New York for 6 weeks and plan to eat the city alive.

On my first night in NYC I was in line at the local exorbitantly expensive market, when the man in front of me turned around and inquired if he could tickle me. I politely declined, as though I get asked that all the time. I was happy he had the decency to ask before touching.

He soon asked the cashier the same question. She responded "sure" and stuck her neck out, which he seized with his gently vibrating fingers. It was a truly beautiful moment.

Who says New Yorker's aren't friendly?

Getting Your Five Daily Servings

Your average farmers market is ripe with sexuality. Round juicy fruits and bright oblong vegetables displayed provocatively can make even the most hardened shopper blush.


This past week, I was an early bird at my local market and chatted with the old men who run the stalls. An easy camaraderie had developed over the months and the silver haired gentlemen were never been anything but jolly.


Shortly after one of the bearded gnome-like farmers weighed my basket of brussel sprouts, he banged the bell beside him, which reverberated throughout the empty market. I smiled and excitedly asked “Am I your first of the day?” He looked at me (and in my head twirled his handlebar moustache) and said “Well you’re my first customer. “ He was, I quickly realized, referring to sexual relations. I recoiled just a bit, as he continued “but she was way less satisfied with me than you will be with those sprouts.”


He was right. The veggies were delicious, but I have not yet gone back for seconds.

Pride

Rainbow Brite! What have they done to you? You used to be a slightly portly child with russet blond hair and twinkle in your eye. Now you are a tall, blond, skinny slut.

It's amazing what you can learn when you throw yourself a Rainbow Brite birthday party in 2011.

Panda Under Pressure to Procreate

For the seventh year in a row, Washington DC panda Mei Xiang has been artificially inseminated, after another unsuccessful mating attempt with her partner Tian Tian. What zoo keepers fail to realize is that while they are striving to save a nearly extinct animal, Mei Xiang is just “not that into it.”

The panda has made it clear that she is done raising cubs. “I already gave birth to one rare bear, what more do you people want?” she reportedly told officials while groggily emerging from her post-insemination anesthesia.

Though China has a strict one child per family rule, it does not apply to panda’s living abroad and the pressure’s been on for Mei Xiang to have another cub since rearing her son Tai Shan in 2005. The 13 year old panda, still nearly a child herself has been forced, according to an official wishing to remain anonymous, to have “awkward and downright uncomfortable dinner and movie dates” with Tian Tian. According to Hildegard, the giraffe next door, Mei Xiang confided to her that on numerous occasions “she faked it” with Tian Tian. “I understand where she [Mei Xiang] is coming from,” says Hildegard. “Tian Tian has really let himself go over the years.”

The hippos have also weighed in on the topic. Harry the Hippo claims he has seen Mei Xiang drink heavily during times of supposed pregnancy. “Oh yeah, I’ve seen that crazy bear with bamboo in one paw and a forty of Natty Boh in the other.” Mei Xiang has also been finding her way into the pens of the maned wolves, cheetahs, and ostriches, whom have all been asked to not engage with the bear.

In an email statement Mei Xiang writes the “demands made on my fertility have taken toll on me.” While she has not purposefully harmed herself, the scrutiny of the media and its love affair with pregnant celebrities, has caused her to “behave in ways” she is “not proud of.” Her publicist says that Mei Xiang has decided to enter rehab for an undisclosed period of time to “deal with her issues and make amends with the people she loves.”

Mei Xiang will receive her pregnancy results early next week. If it is positive, she says she hopes the father is Tian Tian.

Panic! at the CostCo

Being the diligent, dutiful daughter that I am, I often head to the suburbs and help my parents out. On this particular Sunday, I took my pa to CostCo. Several things to remember here:

1) NEVER go to CostCo on Sunday. You may suffer a panic attack and find yourself cowering in an empty display Jacuzzi.
2) Old people like to buy in bulk. My ma and pa regularly purchase 8 tubes of toothpaste and 14 loaves of raisin bread at a time.
3) Steer clear of the freezer section. It’s easy to be enveloped by the cheesecake and chicken cutlet selection.

I dropped my dad off and after hunting for parking for 20 minutes (and nearly hitting several pedestrians and carts) I make it to the entrance and managed to blend into the crowd and avoid the ID check at the door. I then find my dad near a tower of computer monitors, sitting in one of those electric carts. Now, my dad can’t get around like he used to, but I was still surprised to see him in the cart. I was even more surprised to see him drive the cart. He flung the cart forward and quickly braked, just as he grazed a woman’s backside. He proceeded to move the cart again, this time barely missing a child. Of course, my pa being the charmer that he is, he got nothing but smiles from everyone as he jerked along the aisle.

After several more close calls, he sailed into a display of Tide. I then begged him to stop using the cart, but he waived me off, telling me not to be so silly. Moments later, I found myself pinned against a giant assembly of Ginsu knives. My dad had lost control of the cart and hit me! Now, had it not been for the combination of substantive girth and exceptional prowess that I possess, the entire display would have tumbled. Instead, my dad clumsily reversed the offensive vehicle and the giant attached basket unclenched its hold on my knees.

I then ran away and found myself in the pet section, where I sprawled out atop a pile of 100lb bags of Purina. I took some deep breaths, went back to find my dad, got the stuff he needed, and got in line.

Four hours later we made it home.