My Christmas Wish

My wish is to be able to watch the local news without constant interruptions from the meteorologist, updating viewers on the whereabouts of Santa.

I personally hope that NORAD is not using its resources to track the phantom gift giver, as the weatherman claimed during his last report. 

That is my wish. Happy Holidays.

http://www.noradsanta.org

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Pooetic Justice

One nice thing about being an animal and living at the zoo is that when people piss you off, you can throw poop at them. At least that was the case this afternoon.

As a volunteer at the National Zoo, I have the privilege to take part in many things that the public is denied access to, such as witnessing the artificial insemination of an elephant (they have uteruses the size of a couch), and assisting in the assembly of hay cakes in celebration of our great pachyderms birthdays. However, today’s incident was a treat that all present in the Elephant House had the privilege to observe.

It seems that some youngsters were being particularly shrill and raucous in the presence of Shanti, the zoo’s slightly ornery yet endearing 32-year-old female elephant. Now, this particular elephant may be a bit excitable, but at her age, one must respect that she is lady who knows what she wants. And she did not want this. Shanti began swaying back at forth, her heavy lumbering a clear indication of her agitated state. The shrieking youngsters, however, did not cease their irritating screeches. Shanti then used her great proboscis to heave hay towards the offending individuals, which perhaps should have been taken as a sign that hmmm, maybe we should step away from the aggravated 9.000 lb animal. However, the youths continued the commotion as Shanti continued spraying hay towards the crowd. Suddenly, in the midst of the piercing racket, Shanti halted the hay shower and stood motionless. For one brief moment, it seemed she would retreat to her outdoor pen, the doors having been wide open since dawn. The onlookers then watched as this middle aged cantankerous female elephant matter-of-factly picked up a pile of her feces and hurled the excrement through the warped bars of the enclosure.

There was a collective gasp as Shanti’s not so subtle hint hit the onlookers, striking some on their arms and chest, though much of it landing in a pile at their feet, culminating in a pleasant and perfectly sounding “plop.”

The crowd dispersed quickly as the zoo keepers suppressed their smiles, sweeping the sheisse aside. There’s nothing like a little bit of shit on a sunny Sunday afternoon to put things in perspective.

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Sad Sunday at the Store

So I went grocery shopping this afternoon. At 7-11. I was alone, living it up at my parent’s house (they were out of town for the week and took the only running car) when I relized all that remained in the fridge was half a box of baking soda and a stick of margarine circa the Clinton administration. Trying to take the county bus in the burbs on a Sunday to the grocery store is most definitely not advisable, so I decided to walk the mile and a half to the outdoor shopping center (i.e. strip mall) and purchase some provisions. I thought I would just stop at the drug store, since all I needed was a loaf of bread and some milk. But apparently, since I was last home, it had turned into a parking lot.


Therefore, I was left choice but to head down the lane and enter the 7-11…Well, it was either that or pick up a week’s worth of lo mein at Mama Wok. I decided to avoid the MSG in favor of trans fat and go to the 7-11. I bought enriched hot dog buns (there were no loaves available), sliced American cheese product, a bottle of water and a Sunday paper. I purchased the merchandise, which totaled 16$, (apparently the price we pay for convenience) and went on my sad way, imagining the other customers shaking their heads at me in pity. I returned home and as I put my “groceries” away, I realized I should have bought more stuff. Way more stuff. However, I know I won’t starve, and if I get hungry enough, I can always nibble the news print.

You Betcha!

If John McCain dies, this woman would become our first female president...










AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But she sure is pretty, which is important.

The Red (White and Blue too) Olympics...

Please, somebody help me... I have Olympic Fever. Every night until one in the morning I am fixated by sport… swimming, gymnastics, and yes, even trampoline (they may be getting rid of baseball in the next summer games, but damn it, we have trampoline).


Now, all of us have heard about the controversy surrounding the Chinese “women’s” gymnastics team. Though cheating on the world stage is a brazen move, I do feel that turning girl babies into gymnasts prematurely is probably a better alternative than sending them down the Yangtze…On another note, why is it that the women’s volleyball team wears bikinis and the men’s team outfits itself in shorts and tee’s? Is that really a sign of equity among the sexes? Of course, the male gymnasts do wear little tiny spandex leggings so I guess all’s fair.... Oh and that Michael Phelps. Have you heard of him? Yes, thank you Bob Costas, we know he’s awesome and that he consumes 10,000 calories a day, but must you refer to him as Dolphin Boy?


Go USA!



Oh, and if you see either of these girls, please alert the cute police, because appparently one is not (for those just tuning in, the accused is the girl on the right, according to the Chinese state media).

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N (almost)

I have been saving my vacation days like a miser since last summer and as a result have nearly 3 weeks of leave. I have decided to use that time to motor across the country and see the best sights this country has to offer. I know gas prices are high, but it’s my patriotic duty to make sure the terrorists don’t win, right? I'm heading to the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, and of course, Graceland, Dollywood and the Corn Palace. I also hope to encounter the World's Largest Ball of Twine along the way.



My vacation could not have come at better time, as the last week has nearly unhinged my fragile psyche. I injured my knee (swimming of all things, but to be fair it was in the Atlantic and the sea was hella rough. Yes, I just wrote “hella.”), nearly killed two electricians working in my office when I turned on the lights (an event that could have been easily averted by a small piece of tape over the switches. The two electricians turned out to be fine, though the shock definitely took a year off my life), and got in to a fight with a taxi cab driver who took me two miles in the wrong direction and then charged me 10$ for dropping me off in the same spot he picked me up at. To top it all off, I was solicited by a cult this morning at the library. I smiled and said politely, that no, I was not interested in their conference featuring up and coming artists and free food, nor would I sign their petition or attend their free relaxation seminar.



Anyway, I will be conducting my own relaxation therapy starting tomorrow, as I hit the road and head west. Upon my return, I will share my adventures in America Land, but in the meantime, be wary of any group that approaches you in the library inquiring about your financial stability, your relationship with your parents, and whether or not you crave a new and exciting lifestyle.