Human caviar?

Do you think this could be the new local, organic, sustainable, gourmet food trend?

Just thinking....

Hiatus

I hurt my back a couple months ago and though I was in a fun coma (not as in an “entertaining” coma, but as in a long lapse of time that lacked fun), these things really got me through it. Oh, and the support of family and friends.

The Golden Girls

Thank you for being a friend! These sassy gals make me realize if I failed to be sexually promiscuous in my 20’s, I just need to wait till I’m 60.

Downtown Abbey

Melrose Place with a British accent. And no pool….But still fantastic. Any show in which the opening themes song and credits begin with an image of Labrador’s behind (her name is Isis) has my approval.

Bedazzling

My ipod, cell phone, and laptop were all previously covered in sequins during the great swine flu outbreak of ’09, but I managed to pimp out some old notebooks and a Commador 64 while I was laid up.

Thai food

Crocheting

The Intenet

Franklin and Herman, my trust kitchen helpers...And last but not least....

Dilaudid

Harp music, fluffy clouds, etc. IE absolute heaven on earth. But don't ask me to share.

ESOL

I have a…quality. This quality is what attracts the person who smells like pee to sit close to me on the bus. It’s what possesses a stranger in line at a grocery store to inquire if he can tickle me. And it is the reason why, when I am out with friends, they often pretend to not know me till we are safely seated at the table, movie, concert, or wherever we might be so they can avoid the off kilter folks out there who constantly hone in on the beam I seem to uncontrollably emit.

Anyway, I am very friendly with the ladies who run the café in my office lobby. One new person, whom I’ll refer to as “Kim,” simply lights up when she sees me. She asks me details about where I live, about my job, how I get to work. Avoiding her is tough because when I have managed to slip from her sight a few mornings, once she spots me she asks me pointedly where I have been. She also has taken to walking by my glass office door waving emphatically hello. Often.

Today, when I got back from a walk around the block, she spotted me slinking in and asked where I went. “A walk,” I replied. “Why?” she asked. I answered with just a long “uhhhh….” Kim then asked if I “had time.” I told her I did not have a watch but that I thought it was about noon. She laughed and said she meant time to meet. Over the next 5 minutes, I was able to infer that she wants me to help her improve her English. Apparently that’s why she has been so interested in having these inane, nosy, and oddly off putting conversations with me. She is not trying to stalk me and murder my family. She simply wants to be fluent.

The Greener Grass Next Door

Sollie watched from across the street as the new family moved into the old Burchess house. The home had been empty for many months and Sollie was feeling lonely without a playmate. He saw a little girl about his age, her bright yellow dress twirling as she spun in the driveway while moving men heaved furniture into the house. “Careful Brigit!” a voice shrilled from inside. The girl continued to spin before coming to rest on the curb. She examined the mailbox and reached inside, pulling out an old magazine. She plopped down and leafed through the colorful pages, pausing on each photo before moving on. She picked at tufts of grass surrounding her. She scooped piles of ground pebbles and watched as the dust slipped between her fingers. Brigit was sad. She missed her old house, her old driveway, her old mailbox. She missed Deano and Max and Carol. Brigit stood and kicked the mailbox. She moaned dramatically and rubbed her foot.

Sollie thought this seemed like a good time to introduce himself. He scurried across the road and sat beside her. “Aren’t you cute!,” she screeched. Sollie blushed. “When did you get into town?” Sollie asked, even though he knew she just arrived. It seemed like a good icebreaker. “Today,” sighed Brigit, “but it feels like forever.” Sollie understood. His family moved often. Sollie told Brigit that she was lucky to be living in the Burchess House. “Best backyard in town,” he confided. Brigit forced a smile for her new friend, but Sollie could see the unhappiness. There was no solace in having a great yard to play in without any friends. Sollie decided to do something special. “Would you like to hold me?” he asked Brigit. She lit up and smoothed her skirt, gleefully replying “oh yes!” Sollie climbed on her lap and she squeezed him tight. “This feels nice,” Sollie thought, as Brigit’s soft small hands ran along his backside and over his ears. A quiet moment passed between them. Brigit recalled the reward her parents promised if she behaved today. She scooped up Sollie and asked if he would like to come over and help her family pick out their new dog. Sollie squirmed. Brigit was concerned. “What’s the matter Sollie? Tell me, we’re friends.” “Well,” Sollie stammered, “I’m terribly afraid of dogs you see.” Brigit nodded sympathetically. “I understand,” she replied. “Would you like to come over anyway? You can see my room!” Sollie smiled, relieved. He was happy that Brigit finally seemed content. The two walked side by side into the house, dodging the oblivious moving men hoisting three enormous bathroom mirrors.

The two entered the kitchen and were greeted with a curdling cry. “Brigit, what are you doing with that nasty thing?!” Brigit was appalled and glanced embarrassingly at Sollie. “Mom, this is-----“ but Brigit could not finish. “Ned!” Brigit’s mother screamed. She grabbed a broom and swept Sollie out of the house, just as Brigit’s father arrived. Brigit erupted in tears, chasing after her friend. “And don’t bring home anymore marmots, Brigit! New house, same rules, you hear!?” Brigit was already across the street with Sollie, who was on his way home. She told him over and over how sorry she was. Sollie was sad. He knew this meant his family would have to leave. They could not risk living next door to marmot haters. Sollie hugged his friend and said goodbye. Brigit cried so hard his fur became soaked. Sollie looked back at her once more before entering his den, knowing that tonight, his family will be digging away.

Magical!

I awoke with a zit springing forth from between my eyebrows. Does that make me a unicorn?

I'm going with yes.

Forget it Sticky Buns, it's Chinatown

Upon exiting to Canal Street from the Downtown Local 1 train, I was greeted by a man with a big fat albino rat on his head, which nested comfortably atop his curly mane. The tail trailed down the back of the gentleman's head, pink and proud, while the rodents two tiny front paws gently patted its hosts forehead.


I could not help but stare, at which point the man tipped his head toward me in a stately bow, while his rat friend clawed to remain appropriately balanced.

What a perfect New York moment.

Tickle Me Stranger

I've come to New York for 6 weeks and plan to eat the city alive.

On my first night in NYC I was in line at the local exorbitantly expensive market, when the man in front of me turned around and inquired if he could tickle me. I politely declined, as though I get asked that all the time. I was happy he had the decency to ask before touching.

He soon asked the cashier the same question. She responded "sure" and stuck her neck out, which he seized with his gently vibrating fingers. It was a truly beautiful moment.

Who says New Yorker's aren't friendly?