I made an appointment for a massage at my usual place and had been looking forward to it for weeks. I hurt my shoulder a few years ago playing rugby (so I can actually say it’s on old football injury) and find that it really helps to get one every month or so. Especially now that I am in job that seems to have permanently shortened my neck due to stress.
The massage started off well enough, a respectable combination of new age feel goodery, Chakra points, and hurts- so- good pressure. That was the first three minutes. Things began to go south when I felt my masseuse braiding my shoulder length hair. She then stepped away from the table and pulled on my hair as though it were rope. That went on for about seven tugs, until she began to physically move south. Now, I have had many massages in my day, but I have never had a masseuse get as close to my lady parts as this woman did. As her hands moved vigorously in and out between my thighs, my eyes open saucer wide and my thoughts vacillate between simply slapping her hands away or, to really make a statement, clamping my thighs together so as to break a couple of her digits.
“My you are so tense,” she says to me, as she continues the absolute torturous rubdown. Funny how being fondled can make one tense up, I think to myself. She continues moving down to my feet and then back up to my shoulders, where she slapped me around till I bruised. “How is the pressure?” she asks, as she digs the pointy tip of her elbow into my sensitive fleshy back. “Oh fine,” I squeak, not wanting to seem wimpy and weak. However, just as I begin to think that the CIA could really use this woman down in Gitmo, she stops. Our time is up. Tears of joy wet my eyes. Or maybe they were just tears from having had the shit beat out of me while being mildly molested. And then paying for it.
I left with a stiff neck and sore shoulders and though I was able to wash off the massage oil and the shame, this was definitely not a happy ending.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Rejection!
Dear loyal readers (or more specifically, my 10 closest friends),
I want to share my Washington Post "America's Next Great Pundit" submission that was wholly rejected. This piece is me being a serious journalist. Be cruel with your comments, it is the only way I can learn.
Love,
Sticky Buns
The Swine Flu is all around, and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius will not let us forget it. She is everywhere, on television at school hand washing events, university lectures, and state health departments, toting her message and her Purell. Her unwavering dedication to the prevention and eradication of this H1N1 interloper is unlike anything we have seen from recent public officials.
However, while Secretary Sebelius is out battling the evils of improper sneeze etiquette with silver dollar -sized doses of hand sanitizer, the rest of us are left to deal with the reality of this spreading virus in our world. Even as I write this, in the children’s section of the public library, I am surrounded by sniffling, runny nosed toddlers, who seem to take sheer joy in sharing their germs with one another in an infinite number of ways. This of course, increases my anxiety by the second. At work, sanitizer dispensers have become ubiquitous, installed on every wall. Guides have been placed in bathroom stalls with step- by -step instructions for proper hand washing. Whenever someone comes into the office with the slightest stuffy nose, I avoid all direct contact and stand no closer than six feet. I keep rubbing alcohol on my desk, and find myself wiping down my computer and phone every 10 minutes. However, has this sterile obsession lead to less people becoming ill? Has this anti-germ insanity prevented illness? Yes, of course it has. Modern medicine and hygiene has prevented thousands of people from becoming infected.
Paranoia in the wake of communicable disease is nothing new. In fact, a healthy respect for any newly emerged virulent strain of disease is what keeps the masses protected. Quarantines, on top of public education, are vital for keeping infectious disease at bay. During the 1918 outbreak of the “Spanish Flu,” a strain of H1NI, more than 50 million people worldwide were killed, but fatalities would surely have been higher had communities not reacted strongly to local outbreaks.
While some may see Sebelius as a fear monger of malady, I am thrilled she is at the helm of HHS during this crisis. While the uneducated minority wavers on whether to vaccinate themselves or their children against this deadly flu, Kathleen Sebelius fights public ignorance with fact while squirting a healthy dose of Purell in the face of this danger.
I want to share my Washington Post "America's Next Great Pundit" submission that was wholly rejected. This piece is me being a serious journalist. Be cruel with your comments, it is the only way I can learn.
Love,
Sticky Buns
The Swine Flu is all around, and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius will not let us forget it. She is everywhere, on television at school hand washing events, university lectures, and state health departments, toting her message and her Purell. Her unwavering dedication to the prevention and eradication of this H1N1 interloper is unlike anything we have seen from recent public officials.
However, while Secretary Sebelius is out battling the evils of improper sneeze etiquette with silver dollar -sized doses of hand sanitizer, the rest of us are left to deal with the reality of this spreading virus in our world. Even as I write this, in the children’s section of the public library, I am surrounded by sniffling, runny nosed toddlers, who seem to take sheer joy in sharing their germs with one another in an infinite number of ways. This of course, increases my anxiety by the second. At work, sanitizer dispensers have become ubiquitous, installed on every wall. Guides have been placed in bathroom stalls with step- by -step instructions for proper hand washing. Whenever someone comes into the office with the slightest stuffy nose, I avoid all direct contact and stand no closer than six feet. I keep rubbing alcohol on my desk, and find myself wiping down my computer and phone every 10 minutes. However, has this sterile obsession lead to less people becoming ill? Has this anti-germ insanity prevented illness? Yes, of course it has. Modern medicine and hygiene has prevented thousands of people from becoming infected.
Paranoia in the wake of communicable disease is nothing new. In fact, a healthy respect for any newly emerged virulent strain of disease is what keeps the masses protected. Quarantines, on top of public education, are vital for keeping infectious disease at bay. During the 1918 outbreak of the “Spanish Flu,” a strain of H1NI, more than 50 million people worldwide were killed, but fatalities would surely have been higher had communities not reacted strongly to local outbreaks.
While some may see Sebelius as a fear monger of malady, I am thrilled she is at the helm of HHS during this crisis. While the uneducated minority wavers on whether to vaccinate themselves or their children against this deadly flu, Kathleen Sebelius fights public ignorance with fact while squirting a healthy dose of Purell in the face of this danger.
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