In a Jiffy*

I was at the supermarket the other day, in desperate need of eye drops, when I came across two giggling eleven-year-old boys in the medicine/personal care aisle. Naturally, it was the condoms that caught their attention.

I wandered the aisle, desperate but unable to locate the eye products. I finally had to ask the pharmacist who pointed me in the right direction. Naturally, the eye drops were right where the giggling boys loitered. I guess the geniuses at Giant Food stores classify all lubricants equally, as the eye drops were shelved directly above  the KY. As I plucked a package of Refresh Tears (which included a free trial size!), one of the boys approached me, tittering. “Uh, excuse me Miss, which lube do you prefer?” He could barely keep in the laughter as his buddy abandoned him, sputtering towards the toothpaste. I thought for a moment and decided to make a difference in the boy’s life. I told him that lube is a very personal choice and I think it all comes down to experimenting until you find the brand that works for you.

 I walked away as he whipped out his ringing cell phone. With his buddy by his side once more, he shouted into the phone “Which type of lube do you prefer?” Giggle. Giggle. Pause. “No, Mom, we just left the movies and now were at Giant.” 

I’m just glad these kids aren’t learning about lube on the streets.

*This blog post is brought to you by Grape Jelly. Grape Jelly: If you’re using it as lube, check to ensure the tamper proof lid is in place before scooping.  

Summer feet

After a week of wearing loafers with no socks, my feet kind of smell like Fritos.

And I am kind of in to that.

Oh The HugeManatee!

Several months ago, I escaped the Northeast for sunny Florida to have an adventure with nature’s beast, AKA the manatee.  I donned an oh-so-flattering wetsuit and gently lowered myself off the boat along with my fellow snorkelers. I say “gently lowered” rather than “dived” because

1) we were in 3 feet of water, and 

2) manatees are afraid of splashing (Doesn’t that make you love them even more!?)

Manatees, some alone, some in groups, and a few pairs of mothers and babies swarmed us. Sucking on our wetsuits, flapping our tushies with their flippers, and swimming between our legs and lifting us up. I truly felt like I was in a magical world of unicorns who shit sunshine, rainbows, and sparkles.

To commemorate the experience, I purchased copious amounts of manatee kitsch, including a  charm necklace with the spitting image of one of my favorite mannie’s that I met that day. I wore it for the first time yesterday and anytime I got stressed out at work or school, I rubbed its belly (as I did that day in the sea) and a calm came over me. 

As you can imagine, I became alarmed when, later that evening, I realized it was gone.  I scoured and retraced my steps, hoping it was somewhere in my house, or caught on my sweater, but my manatee was nowhere to be found. Resigned, I went upstairs and got ready for bed. As I took off my brassiere, what should pop out, I mean, besides my boobs?... MY MANATEE NECKLACE!

Just like the memories of my magical manatee snorkel, the necklace was held close and safe in my bosom all along.

Friday: Wall Street

Nope, not the Wolf of Wall Street, just…Wall Street. 

Took a break from the movie theater and watched the classic Michael Douglass/Charlie Sheen film in the comfort of my own (ok, my parent’s) living room. Of course, that meant unabashed interruptions by my mom (“wait, what did he do?,” “is this based on a true story?” and my favorite “I bet Madoff watched this on loop.”

Synopsis: Newbie stockbroker Bud Fox is seduced by all that money can buy and begs to be taken on as a protégée of the great Gordon Gecko.

Review: Um duh, obvi a really fine film. Especially Hal Holbrook and all his little speeches about the evils of too much money. And when Charlie Sheen sobs after being taken away in cuffs? PRICELESS.

Thursday: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

If I thought Wednesday’s “Saving Mr. Banks” was a fanciful, emotional tale, I was ill prepared for Thursday’s flick, which beat me bloody with the whimsy stick. Well, maybe not a stick, but perhaps a unicorn horn.

Synopsys: Ben Stiller (looking Zoolander hot) plays perennial daydreamer Walter Mitty, whose eyes go blank mid sentence as he fantasizes. He works in “negative assets” (photography) at Life Magazine, which has been taken over by a bizarrely bullying Linconesque bearded character played by Adam Scott. Scott’s character constantly hounds Stiller, who is in search of Negative 25, sent by the magazines legendary photographer who called the shot the “quintessence of life.” Mitty is responsible for it, and it is lost.  Soon the fantasies make way for reality as Mitty goes in search of the photographer, played by a rugged Sean Penn. Meanwhile, the object of Mitty’s affection, played by Kirsten Wiig, is in his thoughts as he cavortes from one adventure to the next in search of Negative 25.

Review: See this movie! The visuals are stunning and a bunch of it takes place in Iceland, which naturally, makes it awesome. There are many stirring scenes of Stiller running, and jumping, and…talking to Patton Oswald, an E-Harmony representative, about livening up his profile. Ok, that got a little weird, as was the payoff, but it did include a scene at Cinnabon, which is always a plus.

Shirley Maclaine, as Mitty’s mother, plays a pivotal role in helping Mitty solve the mystery on Negative 25, which leads Mitty to Greenland, Iceland, and “ungoverned Afghanistan” in the Himalayas, where he finally tracks down Sean Penn, busy taking photographs of snow leopards. We learn that Mitty had 25 all along, it was in the wallet that Sean Penn had sent Mitty as a gift for all his work over the years (remember, Life is shuttering), which of course, Mitty had thrown away in frustration, as it just reminded him of everything in life he has NOT done.  Mitty goes back to New York, in time to clean out his office and, after a visit at his mother’s, discovers that she dug the wallet out of the trash! In it still remains the elusive Negative 25! Hurray! Mitty storms the offices of Life and confronts the Bearded Boss Asshole, gives him the negative, and tells him not to be a dick. Sweet.

Later, while collecting his last check at the office, Mitty spies Kristen Wiig, and the two stroll outside together and make a date. It’s summer in New York, and everything is beautiful and you wish you were with them. They walk by a newsstand, and peek at the last issue of Life. We have still not seen that damn photo 25. Will it be reveled????? Yes, and it’s sweet and romantic and whimsical, just like the movie. It is also another moment that makes you tilt your head and go “Huh. Ok.” Just like the movie.

Adaptation is toughest form of filmmaking. I know this first hand as The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was the first movie I ever made (for a 10^th grade English project- DISASTER. Mostly because I failed to operate my dad’s gigantic 80’s camcorder correctly and ended up recording all of the rehearsals and not the final “takes.” I spent the evening attempting to edit with only a VCR and a blank cassette. My group was not amused.) So I can say with all honesty, Stiller’sa version is one of the best!

Wednesday: Saving Mr. Banks

FYI, this flick is a MAJOR tearjerker. To the point where I felt the filmmaker was an actual jerk for making me sob so embarrassingly much while watching the movie, and hoping the lights would stay low long enough for me to brush the away the river streaming down my face and for my eyes to cease swelling. That said, it is super good!

Synopsys: The story of the making of Mary Poppins! How delightful, yes? Until the back-story behind PL Travers is revealed through flashbacks (about half the film), and we learn about her difficult upbringing in early 1900’s frontier Australia. Her alcoholic dreamer of a father (they are the best!), a bank manager (wink wink to the title of the film/ father character in Poppins) continually chooses whiskey over a days work, and as a result loses job after job. P.L (real name: Helen) LOVES her daddy, a whimsical storyteller who drills into her the importance of imagination and the evils of money. This makes it difficult for PL to sell the rights to Disney, who has been after her for 20 years to make a picture based on her books. Spoiler alert: She eventually gives Disney the rights and Mary Poppins becomes one of the most beloved films of all time.

Review: Delightful! How fun to see the whole Disney 60’s thing on screen. We meet the songwriters working on Mary Poppins (Jonathan Schwartzman, who is quite fun, and BJ Novak, who was super distracting. I just kept wondering when Kelly Kapur was going to call him) and the lead scriptwriter, played by an electric Bradley Whitford. It is a delight to watch the creative team attempt to please Mrs. Travers, who, much like the current Congress, says “No” to every element suggested. Songs? NO! Romance between Burt and Mary? NO! Animated penguins? HELL NO!

Finally, Walt Disney, portrayed by Tom Hanks as the daddy everyone would ever want, convinces Mrs. Travers that all her hell raising has little to do with what Disney studios is doing to the story, but about her ability to forgive herself for not being able to save her daddy (“Mr. Banks) from the drink. SOB SOB SOB. Even my own pa said “it got to me!”

Among the subplots is one with Paul Giamatti, as the saccharine sweet limo driver assigned to Travers, who always smiles and talks about the weather. Naturally, the two, who begin as foes, end as friends. Given the fascist tendencies of the real Disney, I doubt this driver existed in real life, but then again, what would a Disney production be without a little magic?

Tuesday: Captain Phillips

Synopsys: Tom Hanks in the titular role (that has nothing to do with boobs) captains a ship through the dangerous waters off the Horn of Africa. Unable to manipulate the enormous container ship to avoid the fast approaching pirates, he sacrifices himself and goes aboard his ship’s life raft with the pirates, as their hostage.

Review: Scary stuff. Not knowing how this true story ended (and miraculously able to avoid spoilers online), SPOILER ALERT: Captain Phillips lives! But this movie puts you through the ringer! The sweat, the tears, the blood, shed by all aboard gives the viewer a seat on the vessel, right along with the pirates and Phillips. Even when the Navy frigates approach, it is hard to believe that Phillips will escape alive. The finesse needed to deal with desperate, young, angry men, who now have nothing to lose, and full ammo to boot, is something we cannot imagine these tough military men and women possessing. And of course, the clock is against them, as the Navy must rescue Phillips before the pirate vessel makes land fall in Somalia.

It all ends in a shoot out, as Phillips is tied up and blindfolded. Spattered with blood he continually shouts, “What’s happened?!” and all we want to do is give the guy a big bear hug and tell him he’s fine. Alas, that is the Navy’s job, and they do it well. Though we know the pirates were the bad guys, it was tough to see them killed, especially the younger one who Phillips bonded with (your basic Stockholm Syndrome). The film ends with Phillips in shock, being attended to by a young Navy doctor, who says “awesome” at least once, which feels weird.

This film made my hart race and caused me to whittle my nails down to nubbins, though I still managed to eat half a bucket of popcorn. And even after watching what Captain Phillips went through on the high seas, I still consider that to be quite a feat.